October

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‘It’s funny when I think about this exact time last year. Things were so different. I never would have thought that things could change so much in only a year. I wonder what next October will be like.’

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365 Days Before and After

At the back of my mind I wanna help people out but I, myself is in need of guidance, too.
At the back of my mind I wanted to make you feel like I already forgot about you, but hell no.
At the back of my mind I’m struggling with all these problems with authorities.
At the back of my mind I wanna come up to you and start over again.
At the back of my mind I wanna have that someone who could put up with all my shizz.
At the back of my mind I really need those people I push/stay away from.
At the back of my mind I want/need them to pull me back.

Close your eyes. Think of happy thoughts.

And sometimes our words produce the very opposite effect of what we intended. We hurt another’s feelings, provoke anger and create psychological distance even when what we really desire are understanding, intimacy and companionship. (Added 2012.0704)

:(

Shit happens. That’s why.

When you don’t know what to say and you don’t know what to do. Just shut the hell up and carry on.

All I can say for now is that there are things that would come at you simultaneously. I have no story to tell you but what I really feel is that am violated, guilty (other thing, but possible with the aforementioned), and the last one, I just had it, still don’t know what to feel about it.

And tonight, am gonna sleep hoping that things would be better in time. I just couldn’t hide it anymore. I’m not all that happy and these are one of those deep and dark secrets that I have. Please bear with me. I trust you with these shits. God is with me. and you’d be with me, too, ayt?

And ladies and gentleman, now I’d be back with that jolly self that you see me as.

*nothing to do here*

Mama G

That was exactly a week ago. I was really glad about what happened. I never thought, a professor like her would even care about a student like me. I was in awe and it felt so good and I haven’t recovered, still. And also the conversation with Ma’am Danao, ’twas really nice. They were so nice to me.

And suddenly I became so uninterested in blogging. Argh. It aint me, at all. Sumusuko na din ako sa Architecture, in fairness. Anyway, thank You po for being there when it almost felt like am about to die. You gave me strength and everything I need. My family, my parents who took care of me for days I couldn’t stand up, literally. Saka po for the people who bothered, texting, asking me and most especially for those who went to visit me. It was really refreshing.

And after that 7 sick days, I badly needed to catch up. Am worried about this CADD class and the RM thing and translation. Papa God sana po wag kayong mawawala sa tabi ko. Guide me and bless me with enough knowledge, sipag, wisdom and discernment. Am losing my focus on things and y’know my mind’s everywhere. Everywhere, not in the place it should be. Haaaay. Papa Jesus please direct me. Let the Holy Spirit guide me through.

With lots of love, hope and faith,

KAT ❤

Today..

I saw my mother in tears. Hiding the pain, trying not to make any kind of commotion. That’s prolly when I have to worry. She’s not the kind of person who’d just sit and keep it herself. It’s like I’d rather hear her nag, that’s when I know for sure it’s just the little things that make her go nuts. It’s heartbreaking. I should do something. Like praying.

God, how can I even save other people when I can’t even save myself from this dejection? Or I should start saving them so I could save myself, later? No. You are our Saviour. You’re more than enough. That’s a fact.

But darn. Mine’s just a matter of madness, lack of sense of belongingness. Feeling perfectly lonely, lost in the crowd of people who doesn’t even care about your existence. Just a need. No. I’ve been trying to see the good in everyone. Why can’t they just do it for me, for once. *waterworks, cool* Ugh. Y’know when you’ve been expecting something from people –who would in case need you, you’d be there, who would just notice you when they need you or when they’re in danger, I would be their only resort. I don’t want anger to have a way in me. I’m against it. I don’t want a comeback. Oh tears! You are so wonderful. You can save me.

And oh, I’ve got nothing to worry about, but I guess I’ve been taking for granted those people who would do anything for me, while I’m chasing the love/affection/care tucked away, out of reach, unavailable, impossible. Crap! This has always been an issue to me. Why can’t I just move the eff on? And why can’t I just get over schoolgirl issues? I don’t have the right to say IDGAF when I’m barely here creating a blog post for that damn stupidity. Grow up Kat! *sigh* Schizotypal.

Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself.

-Leo Tolstoy

(Edited 2011.o3o1)

Sweet disposition‘s my game. I can do that over and over again. Again and again. And again? Gonna let it pass. Or should i say more? Enough.

I could not ask for more..

Something to believe in..

Tears are the hydraulic force by which masculine willpower is defeated by feminine water power.

-Owl City

Kanina ayos na sa utak ko yung mga sasabihin ko sa blog ko.. teka. Inhale. Exhale.

Kanina pag-uwi galing sa.. asdfghjkl;’ shet, teka, di ako makapag-focus, minention ako ng crush ko sa Twitter! family dinner, umangkas ako kay ama. Nauna kaming umalis, iniwan namin silang lahat kasi umaambon na at naka-motor nga lang kami. Sa diversion kami dumaan. At yung pakiramdam na may hangin at ambon na unti-unting lumalakas, wow drama. At tumulo na nga lang ang luha saking mga mata. Hindi na ko nagtaka kasi halos araw-araw na yata ako umiiyak.

It is better to cry than to be angry. Because crying cleanses the soul.

– Pope John Paul II

Madami bang bagay ang nasa puso ko ngayon. Hindi ko na malaman ang emosyon na dapat ko pang maramdaman. Siguro yung mga luha na lang na yun yung naglalabas ng hindi ko mailabas na emosyon.

Pero. Ngayon ko lang nalaman yung kwento na yun. Akala ko biro lang talaga dati yung dapat talaga hindi naman ako ipinanganak, kasi magpapatali na dapat si ina, dalawa lang ang gusto nila. Kaya pala ganun na lang din. Hindi rin siguro alam yun ng ate at kuya ko. Nakisali pa kasi ako sa usapan ng matatatanda, na gawain ko naman talaga kahit dati pa, pero maganda na rin naman yata ang binunga.

Hindi ako ordinaryo. Lahat tayo magkakaiba kaya naging pare-pareho na rin tayo. Noon pa lang, sa pagkakapanganak ko palang pala. Simbolo (wow lalim) pala ko na pagkakabuo ng pamilya namin. Muntik na pala. Tulad nung sa Lolo ko at ang mga anak niya na Tito ko, saka ng mga taong nakapaligid samin. Halos pala lahat. Kaya dapat kong ipagpasalamat yung pagiging buo namin. Hindi kasi sumuko. Hindi kasi bumitaw. Tapos ngayon ginaganito ko ang sarili ko. Nagiisip ako ng ganito. Napagtanto ko. Kailangan ko talaga ng tiwala sa sarili ko. May tiwala naman ako sa sarili ko. Kaya nga lang.. may ‘kaya’. Yan ang hirap. Umayos ka Katriz.

Thank You.

And thank You po sa mga taong binibigay niyo to lead me or enlighten me. Kahit di sila mismo yung mga taong inaasahan kong magiging ganun para sakin. Hmm.

Lord, favor naman. Alam niyo na po yung hopes ko. Gusto ko po talaga. Gustong-gusto ko lang talaga. Pero sabi ko naman sa inyo, dun tayo sa kung anong gusto niyo. Alam kong magagawaan ng paraan. SOS. Yung ano, something to believe in, saka yung ano. Gusto ko talagang pumunta. Ikaw pa rin naman ang masusunod. =)

Thy will be done. Goodnight~

700php

..on my wallet. Thinking how could I possibly spend it in a good way. The most useful and best way to maximize it.

Home alone again.

Excuse me, I’m about to narrate a sad (isn’t sad though, unfortunate I guess) thing about what’s happening to my family. Deleting it would be the next thing.

Alam ko naman na hindi naman talaga kailangan ng pera, pero hindi nga ba? Hindi daw naman kasi tayo mapapakain at mabubusog ng pagmamahal, hindi tayo mabibigyan ng energy e ang masaklap pa kung wala namang pagmamahal.

Masaya ako (oo, nagpapasalamat ako dun) kasi sama-sama kami. Pero umalis kanina ang aking kapatid para mag-pasko dun sa girlfriend niya sa Quezon. Wala pa kaming kahit ano para sa darating na pasko, pagkain, pang-aginaldo, damit (hindi ko na kailangan ng bago kaya ok na yun).

Hindi yun. Hindi talaga problema yun, ano naman kung di kami makapagregalo, ano naman kung di sila makapag-aginaldo. Ano naman kung wala kaming makain. Pero kanina nga lang wala na kaming makain, wala daw pambili si ina. Kaya kailangan umuwi ni ama. Gara. Hindi ko tuloy alam ano ba mararating 700 kung ano man ang bilin ko para meron namang something para sa Christmas. Hoho.

Hindi ako malungkot. Nag-iisip lang ako. Kasi ang balak na nila sa Christmas day ay magtago. Haha! Gagawin namin yun, akalain mo yun. Hmm. Ano nga ba?

Bro, kayo na po bahala. =) Mas alam Niyo, higit sa lahat ang mga pangangailangan namin. =)