Destination Addiction

A year ago, the world suddenly gave me an opportunity of a different life. I was offered a once in a lifetime (or it feels like, but I still hope it’s not) chance of a clean slate.  I signed it without any hesitations, not even thinking twice. I didn’t ask any questions. I got no clue as to where it will lead me and whatever the goal is, literally and figuratively. The paycheck and the free one-way ticket made it easier. I was ready to go.

Running away. To be honest, I was running away. From all the frustrations, from all the madness, from all the people I could not face. From all the people that looks down on me, the people that would not bother and would never care, the people I care deeply but too scared to make peace with. And most especially I am running away from me. (Please take note of that.) That is the fun part, though – I could change zip codes but I could never change me and the way I am. Surprise, surprise, self!

Chasing something unclear. I’ve read this article reposted (by this wise woman that I do admire) about constantly chasing our ’10’. I am knowingly settling for my 7. Contentment in life. It wasn’t ‘better’. That was never the case, really. But then I realized, what if instead of ‘better’, I just want something else?

To live a hundred lives. I kept dreaming. Imagining these silly scenarios in my head and stupidly hoping I am. Thinking I am a 21-year old pro-surfer in Newcastle, or a 23-year old girl living in LA struggling to get a shot at fame. A 25-year old patissier in a little street in Paris, or a 27-year old kickass FBI agent in Florida. A 28-year old in Brooklyn, waiting for a big break in the theatre, or a trophy wife (lol) waiting for her husband in the Hamptons. I could live in a villa in Dubai or New Caledonia with my jetsetter husband and my kids who are annoyingly overachievers. Or probably a 30-year old Architect in New York, the youngest to build her own skyscraper in the Manhattan skyline, or maybe living in a picket fenced home in Jersey and a glorified soccer mom, and a PTA President at that.

Whichever works. (Ha-ha!) Can’t blame a girl for dreaming big, eh? I can’t help it. I’ve accepted and embraced who I am, but I still hope to be different. I kept shedding skin and leaving it on different places, never to return.

Hiding.

Running.

Probably crawling onto the next thing.

Never found.

Youth

I’m young, they say. I can do whatever I want.
Chase my dreams. I have my youth.
If not courage and faith. I have the energy.
The thirst for adventure.
Mistakes waiting to be made.
Lessons I need to learn.
Room for improvements.

Abba Father, give me a sign.

Life in Squares

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instagram.com/katrizanne

I couldn’t find the right words to start describing how the past year have been. It started with the Board Review, Licensure Examination, passing the Board, then my license, the Oathtaking, getting a new job, moving out and travelled on my own by the end of the year.

I can say, 2015 must have been the best year of my life so far since I’ve accomplished a lot from my Life Goals (good job, self!), but deep inside I know these blessings are only the beginning of everything else. It is scary knowing that I have the whole world ahead of me, and excited as well to discover what else is in store for me. No more distractions.

With that, I will be focusing on Architecture. I need to. I will improve my work ethics — both corporate and in practice, my projects, my visuals, and try to continously adapt to this ever changing world. I will try my best to be positive and lessen my expectations with people and circumstances. I will be more mindful of what I think of, what I say and what I do, as much as I can. I will try improving myself and be a better person that hopefully would lead to accomplishing my long term goals.

I will try to share as much as I can, as much as I have. I want to be able to return the hardwork and support and properly provide for my loved ones and eventually save up for a business and take them everywhere they wanted to go. That’s the dream.

With the littlest faith I have, I am eternally grateful that despite all my sins, my neglect, my selfish ways, I know and I believe that You will never give me anything I could never handle. Life may not always pan out the way I would want or expect them to, I would always trust on Your will, not mine. It will always be Your guidance I would always ask, Your wisdom I would seek, and Your love that I would need to keep me going.

So long 2015, it was a great year. Make way for 2016 ‘cos it’s gonna be legendary!

Drifting Draft

You probably wont find this letter anyway but here goes nothing:

Dear,

This letter’s been on draft since new year and been planning to give it you on your birthday. But every time I try to start, I stop, thinking it’s too cheesy for you. It’s only when you said I’m not happy with you anymore that I realized I was wrong. I should have told you, I shouldn’t have held back my appreciation for everything that you are. For everything that you’ve done. I am happy with you. I am happy for how far we’ve come. I am sorry for not telling you.

I’ve been holding back all the cheesy stuff I can think of to pull off for you. I kept expecting you’d do some for me so I can do the same for you. I just waited around for you to love me, instead of showing mine. And every time you try, I failed to appreciate. Ironically, I felt unappreciated whenever I did one for you.  I just moped about it. I only love when you love. Sorry for stopping when you were just tired and needed loving, too.

I’ve always wanted to tell you how grateful I am for your existence. It was a crappy 2014 for us, especially our relationship but as the year ended, I wanted to leave everything behind. All the arguments, misunderstandings taking only the lessons that was meant for us. Don’t rush into the results, it takes time. I am trying. But I will always stumble, please bear with me. There will be times that I will reexamine my life, that’s what I do. I beat myself up for the tiny progress I’ve made in my life. Sorry for doing the same thing in our relationship.

We’ve had too many fall outs, yes. But at the end of the day, no matter how fucked up they were, it’s you I still want to hold. It’s you I wanted to wake up next to or at the other end of the line. I was trying too hard and it was wrong. I’ll surely have some moments of weakness but please hold on. I’ll build my empire, you do your thing. I won’t pressure you into doing anything. You are enough for me. I’m proud of your efforts.

You are a good man and I am really blessed and lucky to have you. You make me question my morals and watch out for my temper. Sorry for maxing out your patience for me. But please let’s not count how many times we tried and the chances we took. It’s a new year and (at least for the Chinese, hehe) let’s leave our frustrations and our problems behind. You are the positive thing that pulls me out from all my evil thoughts. Let us look into each other with new pairs of renewed eyes. Let’s lean more into the positive side of everything and I will try. Let the past year serve it’s purpose, to make us stronger and resilient. I know you can do that. You see the good in everything, and everyone.

I was just scared. I don’t want these fears anymore. I want you in my life. You loved me even when you feared that I didn’t feel the same way. I won’t let my fears ruin everything. Something you had the courage to built for us. I don;t want to throw it all away just because it was more convenient that way. Hang on. Chill with me.

May be I am far from that girl you first met and farther than the woman I hope to be. And maybe you are, too. But whichever way you choose, I’ll be here for you. Let me.

Someone I love once wrote: ‘I believe that flaws and imperfections make us unique in a way that are just awesome. And though the tower was a work in progress for 300 years they did not try to fix it, instead they went on and tried to compensate for it. :)’.

I hope you’ll reconsider. :p

I love you.

Katriz

Over-rated New Year’s Resolutions

2014’s been hell of a year. Hell, yes. It was a year full of twists and unplanned turns that lead me to experiences I would never ever regret. I couldn’t wait for it to be over.

It’s been rough. Leaving and trying to find what I really love are the highlights of my year. It was tough but idleness is more destructive than that. I questioned the purpose of my existence. I finished school and passing the boards next on the list. But what would I do after that? Settle. Put up your own firm. Commission projects. Aim global practice. Is that really it? I’m not a competitive person. I am not. I do what I can do.

And as I search for the desires of my heart. I found preservation, fighting for the rights (yea not so competitive, ha), educating people, spreading awareness and providing decent shelter to the one’s in need are one of them. I want to travel the world. Going places as I spread knowledge and awareness, helping people out. I don’t need beauty and prestige of the practice, I aim for functionality and purpose. Even in life.

I love the details. Imperfections at its finest. I don’t love them simply because they are pretty. I love them in spite of the flaws and love them more for it. The way those scars are there and knowing they are there for a reason. How it affected so much of its behavior and how it works. It’s beautiful and unique. I appreciate it more than the usual untouched beauty.

So starting this year (not just for this year), I’ll take little steps in to becoming a better version myself, time’s on my side. I’m gonna own you 2015! :p

I’ll try my best to care less and ignore more of tampo I have on people. I’ll stop expecting that they would include me or even treat me as family in their lives especially when I include them in mine. I’d stop trying to break walls when they wont even lift a pebble to break mine. I’ll stay away from people who only sees the bad things I’ve done instead of the good ones and happy memories I gave them. I will focus more on the people who never leaves and still loves me in spite of me being me. I’ll work for my dream and not depend on other people’s goals in life that would include or exclude me anytime. I’ll try my best to be the independent woman I always dream to be and fulfill my own goals and dreams. Being independent and surrounding myself with the right people that I could fall back on in bad times and laugh with in good times. I want to give back, I want to serve people, I want to help them in my own little ways. I shall and I will.

I want to be better, (of course who wouldn’t?) for me and the people I love. And just watch the stars, clouds and sky day and night for the rest of my life.

****

I know I’m not making any sense here and possibly I’m the only person who would ever understand what I’m trying to say. But honestly, my goal is to build a life and career where I’m not constantly waiting for the weekend. I don’t want to live that way where I hate five days of the week because I hate my life and job so much that the only relief i get is Saturday and Sunday. I want to enjoy my life and not wish it away every week. I want each day to matter to me, in some way, even some small way. I want to like all of it, not just my life on the weekend.

Anymore of This

I’m not scared that I will fail because I can’t. I know I can but what I fear is that I need to. The need to fail and teach me the real lessons. That I should have exerted more effort and time and I should have been more focused and patient. That I am in a hurry and I’m too confident. That maybe I’ll be mayabang once I passed so I need to fail so I’ll learn humility.

And the thing is that I’m not contented with all the things I’ve done so far. I have all the time time but I am soooo distracted. My restless mind wandering places and thoughts instead of trying to learn new lessons and focus on the important ones..

I need to get over myself. I need to stop procrastinating. I need to stop thinking that I am not enough. That I am nothing compared to the others. That they’re looking down on me for I am nothing. Yes I am nothing and Ive got nothing to lose and so much to gain. And thats a good thing, eh.

And You got my back and You’d give me wisdom, knowledge and patience that I need to get through this. Right? God! SOS!