Today..

I saw my mother in tears. Hiding the pain, trying not to make any kind of commotion. That’s prolly when I have to worry. She’s not the kind of person who’d just sit and keep it herself. It’s like I’d rather hear her nag, that’s when I know for sure it’s just the little things that make her go nuts. It’s heartbreaking. I should do something. Like praying.

God, how can I even save other people when I can’t even save myself from this dejection? Or I should start saving them so I could save myself, later? No. You are our Saviour. You’re more than enough. That’s a fact.

But darn. Mine’s just a matter of madness, lack of sense of belongingness. Feeling perfectly lonely, lost in the crowd of people who doesn’t even care about your existence. Just a need. No. I’ve been trying to see the good in everyone. Why can’t they just do it for me, for once. *waterworks, cool* Ugh. Y’know when you’ve been expecting something from people –who would in case need you, you’d be there, who would just notice you when they need you or when they’re in danger, I would be their only resort. I don’t want anger to have a way in me. I’m against it. I don’t want a comeback. Oh tears! You are so wonderful. You can save me.

And oh, I’ve got nothing to worry about, but I guess I’ve been taking for granted those people who would do anything for me, while I’m chasing the love/affection/care tucked away, out of reach, unavailable, impossible. Crap! This has always been an issue to me. Why can’t I just move the eff on? And why can’t I just get over schoolgirl issues? I don’t have the right to say IDGAF when I’m barely here creating a blog post for that damn stupidity. Grow up Kat! *sigh* Schizotypal.

Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself.

-Leo Tolstoy

(Edited 2011.o3o1)

Sweet disposition‘s my game. I can do that over and over again. Again and again. And again? Gonna let it pass. Or should i say more? Enough.

I could not ask for more..

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