i love you

thats what I wanted to tell you so bad

before you left

but I couldnt

my mind tells me I shouldnt

I kept thinking that youll change your mind

hoping wishing

wishful thinking

that you do love me too

that you want to spend your life with me too

but my mind keeps playing

that one song that says

‘its like wishing for rain as I stand in the desert’

I know I’ll never be the one for you

no matter how bad I want you to be the one for me

cos like you said

it’s not about what I want

or what I like

it’s always has been what you intend it to be

just temporary

so even if I do

it doesnt really count as true

but even after all of this

I still want you to know that

I love you

Leap Year

To say 2020 is something is such an understatement. Started the year really hopeful about life, ready to take chances and wishing for better opportunities. Only armed with the littlest courage I’ve had, I took a leap of faith.

It went downhill from there. I really kept mum about my situation thinking there are far worse things that’s happening around us – and still is. It didn’t help that some would question my choices, pity me or probably got tired of my rants and endless battle with my thoughts against myself. Not everyone would understand what I was trying to achieve so I kept my distance, told no one about it. I probably am being selfish so I stopped telling so I didn’t have to explain.

It was a cycle of rejection, disappointments, and false hopes. I endured and depression got to me good. Panic attackes here and there. I got to a point that I even stopped praying as I was too shy talking to Him over and over the same things.

It was my choice and took a stand on what I wanted, so I was unemployed for more than 8 months. I just started a week back and I’m still trying to recover the positivity I lost that 2020 stole from some of us but maybe this is it, fingers crossed.

This year taught us a lot about going on with our lives with any plans, any control and uncertainties. It especially taught me that there will be things we want so bad in our life that no matter how long you wait, how patient you are, it just wont happen. If its meant for you there will be no excuses. Guess I really had to learn it the hard way, one way or another.

***

Now that I am trying to recover, I am gonna go back to the duties I had neglected this year – my family. To my friends, if you’re still reading this part, please continue to include my father’s fast recovery. He’s been improving and hopefully will continuously do so, God willing. Thank you so much for all the help especially those who reached out for financial support. It was unnecessary but we are grateful nonetheless. This year was more bearable with all of you who stuck with me at my darkest.

I would also like to apologize to some people for ignoring or not reaching out these past months, I wasn’t in the best place to be a friend or in a positive mindset to socialize and I’m not really good with virtual messaging so I hope you’ll understand.

We all had a tough year, cheers to us getting this far! Lets not make a mistake of challenging the coming year anymore, ha! Lets just breathe and let it be.

This is me letting go of the bad and ready take in the good. Hope we all have better days ahead. Maybe not everything will be good but everything has its time.

Stuck on Second Gear

My quarter life (if I’ll ever live a hundred) year had been a year of travelling, of adventures, of experimenting, of discovery – not just the places I’ve been and not just with the people I’ve met but I’ve also discovered a bit more about myself. Not just who I am right now but also the things I need to work on.

Though my 26th birthday goal didn’t go exactly as planned and I’ve been feeling like I’m stuck in a rut. Now I am confused so as to what I want to do next or even what I want to accomplish anymore. I’m not even sure if I still want the same things I wanted before. I feel like I am floating – just grabbing whatever I could get a hold of. Sure, I had fun but what’s next?

But beyond all these confusions, there are some things I wanted to change within me. Just a few reminders I needed in black and white. So here you go self:

-Spontaneity. Embrace the beauty of strange encounters, chance meetings and misadventures. Life won’t always go as you plan or hoped it would be but there’s a purpose God threw this people and circumstances your way. Let people in, let them mess it up – you can’t be an architect of your whole life and the people around you. Trust Him.

Be free, my dear.

-Patience. I know waiting is not your strong suit. Not everyone moves at your pace, you got to learn to give people the time they need no matter how long it takes. Stop isolating yourself just so you can go on your own pace. Not everyone can keep up with you so easy on your timeline. Easy on yourself, too. Breathe and slow down.

Wait patiently, love.

-Love. You’ve been putting this aside telling people and even yourself (more like convincing) that you’re taking your time. It’s been a year and you’ve been too comfortable at the life you have in solitude and in wandering. Then out of nowhere somebody comes and hits you with an ooh la la la la.. (lol whut) Just be more open, people will surprise you. There’s someone out there for you like you’ve always hoped and prayed for – that would feel home and adventure all at once. And you’d be in the same page (hopefully).

Be free, be patient, and let love in.

-Write. It is your first love anyway, maybe you can start from there. Maybe it’s just your thoughts and nothing special to anybody but bottling it up hasn’t been doing any good for you either. Go back to your journal, or your blog. Let your thoughts flow out like they used to. For you. Even if it’s just for you. Let it out in the world and maybe just maybe, the universe would conspire and hear your yearning and make it happen.

Cos against all odds, against all logic – don’t lose hope.

(xx) Days of Sammer

a long road ahead of us
we sat right next to each other
your hands clasped in mine
as tight as it could be I smile
you close your eyes as you try to rest
I steal glances and look at your face
I can still remember

your face and those eyes as they look at me
oh God only knows…
your messy hair your scruffy face
my palms reach out and touch them lightly
I look back at you and I see
your arms wide open waiting for me
I can still remember

I dive drowning in your arms as I melt in you
intoxicated by your smell I was dazed
the way it feels our bodies fit so perfectly
our legs intertwined
my hands on your chest
slowly rising and falling
I can feel your heart beating
I can still remember

I lie perfectly still trying not to wake you
sleeping soundly on my shoulder
you sleep and breathe in my neck
you cling to me like I’m all you need
your long lashes and your light snore
that peace on your face
and all I can hope for is the peace in your heart

if only I could kiss the pain away
if only I could make you realize
that you don’t deserve this
and you deserve better
but I’m no better
I understand exactly how it is
to pour your love and attention
beyond logic and all the hurt
you would still understand
you still love in spite

and for that I couldn’t blame you
if only we’ve met at a different time
at a different phase of your life
this could be different
(or may be it’s just me)
wishful and wistful thinking, eh

I can only wonder what if
but all I can do is remember this
even its just for the weekend
(oh God I hope it’s not)
I want to remember this
I want to remember you
xx

Destination Addiction

A year ago, the world suddenly gave me an opportunity of a different life. I was offered a once in a lifetime (or it feels like, but I still hope it’s not) chance of a clean slate.  I signed it without any hesitations, not even thinking twice. I didn’t ask any questions. I got no clue as to where it will lead me and whatever the goal is, literally and figuratively. The paycheck and the free one-way ticket made it easier. I was ready to go.

Running away. To be honest, I was running away. From all the frustrations, from all the madness, from all the people I could not face. From all the people that looks down on me, the people that would not bother and would never care, the people I care deeply but too scared to make peace with. And most especially I am running away from me. (Please take note of that.) That is the fun part, though – I could change zip codes but I could never change me and the way I am. Surprise, surprise, self!

Chasing something unclear. I’ve read this article reposted (by this wise woman that I do admire) about constantly chasing our ’10’. I am knowingly settling for my 7. Contentment in life. It wasn’t ‘better’. That was never the case, really. But then I realized, what if instead of ‘better’, I just want something else?

To live a hundred lives. I kept dreaming. Imagining these silly scenarios in my head and stupidly hoping I am. Thinking I am a 21-year old pro-surfer in Newcastle, or a 23-year old girl living in LA struggling to get a shot at fame. A 25-year old patissier in a little street in Paris, or a 27-year old kickass FBI agent in Florida. A 28-year old in Brooklyn, waiting for a big break in the theatre, or a trophy wife (lol) waiting for her husband in the Hamptons. I could live in a villa in Dubai or New Caledonia with my jetsetter husband and my kids who are annoyingly overachievers. Or probably a 30-year old Architect in New York, the youngest to build her own skyscraper in the Manhattan skyline, or maybe living in a picket fenced home in Jersey and a glorified soccer mom, and a PTA President at that.

Whichever works. (Ha-ha!) Can’t blame a girl for dreaming big, eh? I can’t help it. I’ve accepted and embraced who I am, but I still hope to be different. I kept shedding skin and leaving it on different places, never to return.

Hiding.

Running.

Probably crawling onto the next thing.

Never found.

Youth

I’m young, they say. I can do whatever I want.
Chase my dreams. I have my youth.
If not courage and faith. I have the energy.
The thirst for adventure.
Mistakes waiting to be made.
Lessons I need to learn.
Room for improvements.

Abba Father, give me a sign.

Life in Squares

instagram.com/katrizanne

I couldn’t find the right words to start describing how the past year have been. It started with the Board Review, Licensure Examination, passing the Board, then my license, the Oathtaking, getting a new job, moving out and travelled on my own by the end of the year.

I can say, 2015 must have been the best year of my life so far since I’ve accomplished a lot from my Life Goals (good job, self!), but deep inside I know these blessings are only the beginning of everything else. It is scary knowing that I have the whole world ahead of me, and excited as well to discover what else is in store for me. No more distractions.

With that, I will be focusing on Architecture. I need to. I will improve my work ethics — both corporate and in practice, my projects, my visuals, and try to continously adapt to this ever changing world. I will try my best to be positive and lessen my expectations with people and circumstances. I will be more mindful of what I think of, what I say and what I do, as much as I can. I will try improving myself and be a better person that hopefully would lead to accomplishing my long term goals.

I will try to share as much as I can, as much as I have. I want to be able to return the hardwork and support and properly provide for my loved ones and eventually save up for a business and take them everywhere they wanted to go. That’s the dream.

With the littlest faith I have, I am eternally grateful that despite all my sins, my neglect, my selfish ways, I know and I believe that You will never give me anything I could never handle. Life may not always pan out the way I would want or expect them to, I would always trust on Your will, not mine. It will always be Your guidance I would always ask, Your wisdom I would seek, and Your love that I would need to keep me going.

So long 2015, it was a great year. Make way for 2016 ‘cos it’s gonna be legendary!

October

‘It’s funny when I think about this exact time last year. Things were so different. I never would have thought that things could change so much in only a year. I wonder what next October will be like.’

Over-rated New Year’s Resolutions

2014’s been hell of a year. Hell, yes. It was a year full of twists and unplanned turns that lead me to experiences I would never ever regret. I couldn’t wait for it to be over.

It’s been rough. Leaving and trying to find what I really love are the highlights of my year. It was tough but idleness is more destructive than that. I questioned the purpose of my existence. I finished school and passing the boards next on the list. But what would I do after that? Settle. Put up your own firm. Commission projects. Aim global practice. Is that really it? I’m not a competitive person. I am not. I do what I can do.

And as I search for the desires of my heart. I found preservation, fighting for the rights (yea not so competitive, ha), educating people, spreading awareness and providing decent shelter to the one’s in need are one of them. I want to travel the world. Going places as I spread knowledge and awareness, helping people out. I don’t need beauty and prestige of the practice, I aim for functionality and purpose. Even in life.

I love the details. Imperfections at its finest. I don’t love them simply because they are pretty. I love them in spite of the flaws and love them more for it. The way those scars are there and knowing they are there for a reason. How it affected so much of its behavior and how it works. It’s beautiful and unique. I appreciate it more than the usual untouched beauty.

So starting this year (not just for this year), I’ll take little steps in to becoming a better version myself, time’s on my side. I’m gonna own you 2015! :p

I’ll try my best to care less and ignore more of tampo I have on people. I’ll stop expecting that they would include me or even treat me as family in their lives especially when I include them in mine. I’d stop trying to break walls when they wont even lift a pebble to break mine. I’ll stay away from people who only sees the bad things I’ve done instead of the good ones and happy memories I gave them. I will focus more on the people who never leaves and still loves me in spite of me being me. I’ll work for my dream and not depend on other people’s goals in life that would include or exclude me anytime. I’ll try my best to be the independent woman I always dream to be and fulfill my own goals and dreams. Being independent and surrounding myself with the right people that I could fall back on in bad times and laugh with in good times. I want to give back, I want to serve people, I want to help them in my own little ways. I shall and I will.

I want to be better, (of course who wouldn’t?) for me and the people I love. And just watch the stars, clouds and sky day and night for the rest of my life.

****

I know I’m not making any sense here and possibly I’m the only person who would ever understand what I’m trying to say. But honestly, my goal is to build a life and career where I’m not constantly waiting for the weekend. I don’t want to live that way where I hate five days of the week because I hate my life and job so much that the only relief i get is Saturday and Sunday. I want to enjoy my life and not wish it away every week. I want each day to matter to me, in some way, even some small way. I want to like all of it, not just my life on the weekend.

Anymore of This

I’m not scared that I will fail because I can’t. I know I can but what I fear is that I need to. The need to fail and teach me the real lessons. That I should have exerted more effort and time and I should have been more focused and patient. That I am in a hurry and I’m too confident. That maybe I’ll be mayabang once I passed so I need to fail so I’ll learn humility.

And the thing is that I’m not contented with all the things I’ve done so far. I have all the time time but I am soooo distracted. My restless mind wandering places and thoughts instead of trying to learn new lessons and focus on the important ones..

I need to get over myself. I need to stop procrastinating. I need to stop thinking that I am not enough. That I am nothing compared to the others. That they’re looking down on me for I am nothing. Yes I am nothing and Ive got nothing to lose and so much to gain. And thats a good thing, eh.

And You got my back and You’d give me wisdom, knowledge and patience that I need to get through this. Right? God! SOS!