Category: Trivial

Destination Addiction

A year ago, the world suddenly gave me an opportunity of a different life. I was offered a once in a lifetime (or it feels like, but I still hope it’s not) chance of a clean slate.  I signed it without any hesitations, not even thinking twice. I didn’t ask any questions. I got no clue as to where it will lead me and whatever the goal is, literally and figuratively. The paycheck and the free one-way ticket made it easier. I was ready to go.

Running away. To be honest, I was running away. From all the frustrations, from all the madness, from all the people I could not face. From all the people that looks down on me, the people that would not bother and would never care, the people I care deeply but too scared to make peace with. And most especially I am running away from me. (Please take note of that.) That is the fun part, though – I could change zip codes but I could never change me and the way I am. Surprise, surprise, self!

Chasing something unclear. I’ve read this article reposted (by this wise woman that I do admire) about constantly chasing our ’10’. I am knowingly settling for my 7. Contentment in life. It wasn’t ‘better’. That was never the case, really. But then I realized, what if instead of ‘better’, I just want something else?

To live a hundred lives. I kept dreaming. Imagining these silly scenarios in my head and stupidly hoping I am. Thinking I am a 21-year old pro-surfer in Newcastle, or a 23-year old girl living in LA struggling to get a shot at fame. A 25-year old patissier in a little street in Paris, or a 27-year old kickass FBI agent in Florida. A 28-year old in Brooklyn, waiting for a big break in the theatre, or a trophy wife (lol) waiting for her husband in the Hamptons. I could live in a villa in Dubai or New Caledonia with my jetsetter husband and my kids who are annoyingly overachievers. Or probably a 30-year old Architect in New York, the youngest to build her own skyscraper in the Manhattan skyline, or maybe living in a picket fenced home in Jersey and a glorified soccer mom, and a PTA President at that.

Whichever works. (Ha-ha!) Can’t blame a girl for dreaming big, eh? I can’t help it. I’ve accepted and embraced who I am, but I still hope to be different. I kept shedding skin and leaving it on different places, never to return.

Hiding.

Running.

Probably crawling onto the next thing.

Never found.

The Social Contract

Namimiss ko yung kasabay ko sa adoration chapel. Yung nakakasabay ko sa jeep. Namimiss ko yung nakakakwentuhan ko ng mahaba. Yung kaysa gumawa ng plate okaya naman ay matulog ng maaga. Namimiss ko yung nakikinig sa mga kadramahan ako. At hindi naman naiinis dito. Namimiss ko yung pinapangaralan ako. Namimiss ko yung parang kabarakada lang ako. Yung kulitin o harutin parang lalake lang din. Pero nirerespeto pa din ako na tulad ng isang babae. Namimiss ko yung sinasabihan ako na babagsak ako pero sinusuportahan naman ako. Namimiss ko yung makulit. Namimiss ko ang mga kwento. Namimiss ko ang panlilibre. Namimiss ko yung mga kagaguhan na sinasabi sakin. Namimiss ko..

Those were my thoughts as I entered the adoration chapel yesterday before I went home. My refuge. And tears fell down as I start my conservation with God. Yes I am a crybaby but for some reasons it felt different. Maybe I was happy but too exhausted at the same time. School’s getting me and the works I need to finish and the life that awaits me outside as I graduate this year, hopefully. I swear I’m really up to no good.

Or prolly I miss something. I am missing something. In this case I’m not exactly sure if I should miss it.

Being nothing and still surrounded with love and all the care I could get. I don’t have to do something for me to be worthy. I don’t have to be that good to matter. I don’t have to say the right words for me to be loved. I don’t have to think what trouble it might get me into as I open my mouth and speak my mind or do what I wanted to do.

Like House and Wilson (House, M.D.). No matter how fucked up, narcissist, stubborn and childish House can be, Wilson is always there. He pushes people away but still manages to be best friends with Wilson. House may be insane but Wilson could put up with his shits. They are so adorable. Their friendship even though fictional is really inspiring. Maybe it does exist. In a parallel universe.

Someone who carries your baggage with you. You don’t have any obligations to that person but still you stay with each other. You don’t need pep talks nor you should learn how to. You face reality together. No social contract attached.

Hinc Illae Lacrimae

People push the ones they love away, expecting them to not stop persisting. People walk away, expecting to be held back. That’s what society deems beautiful. But you know what, people get exhausted and they will stop at some point. They will let you be, alone in the path you chose. You can’t blame them, because humans will always be humans. Sometimes,they want to be pulled rather than pushed. Sometimes, they won’t stop you anymore because walking away is what you chose. And sometimes, people need to stop expecting things they weren’t clear about. They need to stop saying or doing things and yet wanting the complete opposite. How would some people know what you actually expect, when you keep showing that you don’t want it? This is why most people are always disappointed, and then they do what they always do, blame it on someone else.

(hencethesetears.tumblr.com)

In Another Life

I suffocate people. I bombard them with my existence. I annoy them with my presence. Apparently, that’s what I always do. I don’t hug, I smother.

I don’t give space, and when I do, I give them all. It’s all or nothing.  Whenever I feel I am in that person’s life too much, I stay away. I’ve got no self-esteem, that’s a fact. So, if people don’t want me around, or it feels like they’re annoyed with my mere existence, I stay away as far as they like if they say so. And for the people who made me feel like they need me or want me in their lives, I’d be there, as long as they want me there. Just tell me. Madali naman akong kausap.

When someone reminds you of how important you are to them, how they still care for and love you, it’s like so much weight has been lifted off of your shoulders. A big relief that they’re still there. Reassuring, it’s a good feeling.

I need reassurance a lot.

****

Hi Papa God. I know we had a deal last year. And I’m not quite sure if it’s still up for grabs. I don’t know. I can wait, but I’m not that sure if it’s still somewhere out there. I’m not in a hurry, don’t get me wrong. It’s just that I don’t want to waste my time thinking, waiting for something that is not meant. Tell me if I really need to move away, elsewhere. Tell me if I had to, or  may be not. ’cause deep in my heart I know there’s this hope that still lingers. Hoping, wishing.. I’m not so good at decisions. Help me out, eh?

Sa kabilang banda..

Sabi nila ang pinakamalayo daw na distansya sa pagitan ng dalawang tao ay kung magkatalikod kayo. Kailangan mo daw kasing umikot ng buong mundo para lang makaharap mo muli ang taong tinalikuran mo.

Inisip ko tuloy kung sino na ba ang tinalikuran ko at kung sino na yung mga taong tinalikuran ako. Di ko na siguro dapat pang bilangin. Malamang nag-iba na rin sila ng direksyon at magtagpo man kami sa isang punto sa mga buhay namin, malaki ang tsansa na hindi na rin kami pareho ng ritmo.

Magkaiba na ang aming patutunguhan. Magkaiba na ang aming perspektibo. Magkaiba na ang karamihan sa mga layunin namin sa buhay. Baka lang sa pagtatagpo na yun, kailangan lang namin ipaalala sa bawat isa ang mga pagkakamali ng nakaraan. Baka sa pagtatagpong yun, kailangan lang namin maalala kung bakit kami dumating sa punto na yun.

At malamang sa mga susunod na panahon, hindi man alam kung anong eksaktong oras at lugar, magtatagpo at magtatagpo muli kayo. Baka lang..
Gusto ko ng lumayo. Tumakbo palayo sayo. Pero tila yata hanggang nandito pa ako at ikaw ay nariyan lang, at nariyan lang, hindi ko yata magagawang umusad.

Dalawang bagay lang ang kaya kong gawin sa mga sitwasyong ganito. Kung ang una ay nagagawa kong kontrolin, ang pangalawa ay malayo ako.

Tumakbo palayo. Tatalikod mula sa kinalalagyan mo. Hindi ko na kayang bugbugin pa ang utak ko sa pag-iisip sayo. Ikaw na matagal ng malayo. Matagal ng umalis at lumayo sa mundo ko. Mapagod man sa pagtakbo sa kawalan. Iisipin ko na lang na may patutunguhan pa rin ang bawat isang hakbang. Isang hakbang na patungo sa ibang lugar. Sa lugar na ang puso’y hindi na mapapagal..

****

I don’t want that to go that way. I don’t want to forget. (Dory, Finding Nemo)

“Laters, baby”

I never thought that ‘baby’ would be that endearing to hear from a guy. Not untilChristian Grey came along. Oh yes, I am currently reading the Fifty Shadesseries and I’m on the second book, about to finish it. And that’s exactly what’s keeping me from working on my dissertation, aside from random thoughts that’s popping here and there.

Oh how sexy a man can be. His sexiness is oozing and you can feel it even though you’re just reading it. The book is sensual and indeed a female porn book. But the story’s really engaging. Okay, nough of it. But really, Grey’s damn hot, and hot is an understatement. How lovely it is to love him, both a dominant and a submissive.

Sorry, mister. I think I overwhelmed you with my thoughts, as always. And sorry I’ve been whining about that thing since the last time we saw each other, I didn’t mean that. But it’s just that I feel comfortable talking about things like that to you. That I am up to no good. And oh, you should know that I’ve been wanting to see you for some reasons I didn’t know. Err. Wishful thinking, eh?

Naive

I traveled all the way to the National Library to clear my mind. Yes, I need to travel to be able to do that. I want to be surrounded by ideas and thoughts etched in papers to feel secure. Feel like I belong to those ideologies, systematically analyzed, logical and reasonable. For some reasons, I wanna be a part of it. Want my system to be organized. Or maybe I belong to those encrypted in fantasies of a young, playful mind. Maybe. Maybe I wanted to get away. Away from all the things that’s keeping me insane.

Let go. Move on. A message from God this morning. I needed that. That’s exactly what I needed. In black and white. It suddenly hits me. Yes. I had to move on. That’s what you’ve been telling me. God, how could I be so naive? I could not recall how it felt like before. How can I be so naive? Almost two years. I gotta get up and move forward like you’ve already done, so easily. How can it be that easy for you when I can’t hardly bear just the thought of it? How can I be so naive?

Cold

How seemingly uncomfortable I am with the coldness, not just by the weather but the way you treat me now. Like the swaying trees screeching outside as the wind blows hard, you scare me. I am. With the coldness towards me of every people I’ve known these past few days. This weather – the rain, cold breeze, storm trooping, brings me into some trance of idiosyncrasy. I’d like to reach out. Figure it out and maybe try to compromise between what left and what it can become. It’s odd. And I’m startled with all the thoughts of not wanting me around, anymore. Not even close to anything related. How I’d love a chance to speak my mind before I spiral down into that moment. The moment I had to let you go, finally. Let go of everything else I’ve been holding onto. I thought you were and now I am unsure. Trying to hide the uncertainty and insecurities. A façade of brevity – trying to pry as much as I can. Then perpetually fails. Cycle. Endless cycles.

The excitement out of the message dissipates as if I was someone irrelevant. Oh guess what, Kat, you are irrelevant. Sorry to disappoint you, mister. Am not the person you thought I was.