Drifting Draft

You probably wont find this letter anyway but here goes nothing:

Dear,

This letter’s been on draft since new year and been planning to give it you on your birthday. But every time I try to start, I stop, thinking it’s too cheesy for you. It’s only when you said I’m not happy with you anymore that I realized I was wrong. I should have told you, I shouldn’t have held back my appreciation for everything that you are. For everything that you’ve done. I am happy with you. I am happy for how far we’ve come. I am sorry for not telling you.

I’ve been holding back all the cheesy stuff I can think of to pull off for you. I kept expecting you’d do some for me so I can do the same for you. I just waited around for you to love me, instead of showing mine. And every time you try, I failed to appreciate. Ironically, I felt unappreciated whenever I did one for you.  I just moped about it. I only love when you love. Sorry for stopping when you were just tired and needed loving, too.

I’ve always wanted to tell you how grateful I am for your existence. It was a crappy 2014 for us, especially our relationship but as the year ended, I wanted to leave everything behind. All the arguments, misunderstandings taking only the lessons that was meant for us. Don’t rush into the results, it takes time. I am trying. But I will always stumble, please bear with me. There will be times that I will reexamine my life, that’s what I do. I beat myself up for the tiny progress I’ve made in my life. Sorry for doing the same thing in our relationship.

We’ve had too many fall outs, yes. But at the end of the day, no matter how fucked up they were, it’s you I still want to hold. It’s you I wanted to wake up next to or at the other end of the line. I was trying too hard and it was wrong. I’ll surely have some moments of weakness but please hold on. I’ll build my empire, you do your thing. I won’t pressure you into doing anything. You are enough for me. I’m proud of your efforts.

You are a good man and I am really blessed and lucky to have you. You make me question my morals and watch out for my temper. Sorry for maxing out your patience for me. But please let’s not count how many times we tried and the chances we took. It’s a new year and (at least for the Chinese, hehe) let’s leave our frustrations and our problems behind. You are the positive thing that pulls me out from all my evil thoughts. Let us look into each other with new pairs of renewed eyes. Let’s lean more into the positive side of everything and I will try. Let the past year serve it’s purpose, to make us stronger and resilient. I know you can do that. You see the good in everything, and everyone.

I was just scared. I don’t want these fears anymore. I want you in my life. You loved me even when you feared that I didn’t feel the same way. I won’t let my fears ruin everything. Something you had the courage to built for us. I don;t want to throw it all away just because it was more convenient that way. Hang on. Chill with me.

May be I am far from that girl you first met and farther than the woman I hope to be. And maybe you are, too. But whichever way you choose, I’ll be here for you. Let me.

Someone I love once wrote: ‘I believe that flaws and imperfections make us unique in a way that are just awesome. And though the tower was a work in progress for 300 years they did not try to fix it, instead they went on and tried to compensate for it. :)’.

I hope you’ll reconsider. :p

I love you.

Katriz

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46122

To the guy I will always remember during the 28th of February (it’s his birthday). The guy that I will always remember whenever I hear Muli. The first guy that ever made me feel special. To the first guy who made me cry myself to sleep. To the guy who had been my first *mock* boyfriend. I probably didn’t write about you or us before and I hope this would make me feel it happened.

****

It’s always been a mystery to me..

I can still remember that day. It was lunch break. I didn’t know his name. It was just his familiar face and friends that I know we belong to the same batch. I was just teasing him to do something for me and dare asked me that why would he do such I am not even his girlfriend. Playfully answering that I am his now just so he could that favor I was asking.

And we started to see each other over breaks and bond over music. Listening to my (then) new mp3 player, go somewhere to buy food and stroll around. At first I didn’t mind. I was too innocent to realize what was happening. And he was too torpe to formally ask now that I think of it. Everyone’s (well not really everyone but quite a few who has a crush on him) jealous of our time together. At the back of the room, along the hallways of Carpio Hall, the doorway where I love sitting and hanging out, listening to music in our own little world, playing around, teasing each other. I didn’t even know if we really talked, I can’t remember any thing. Exchanging a few messages that doesn’t seem to last that long because I was just laughing at the way he send text messages, him giving up on our conversation. Ha! Even then I was a jeje buster and a jeje nazi. But I like teasing him. Knowing I have an effect on him in some ways.

It went on for over a year. He would hide by the door in the hallway outside our room while I’m having my class, talking to me, making papansin and faces that would make me smile or annoy me. Sending me messages that it would be hard for me to concentrate on my lectures. He would drop by my seat even though we don’t belong to the same section, neither of the two academic years our story covers, and talked to me, snatched my food, pinching my nose, my cheek, my fats, played with my hair and whatever he feels like doing. He was a gentleman, even though many wouldn’t like the thought of us. He even worked on my project one time. I just asked him to type that things I will send and handed it to me the next day finished. I just need to submit it. He fed me french fries putting catsup in each fries carefully, not dipping it, because we were in the corridor and we didn’t have tissue. It was sweet. It melted me. At the time. He even served me food and water during our retreat because luckily we belong to the same team. He sat beside me every meal. Making every girl jealous. Haha! He was my first dance during our Senior prom.

And that was it. I started to see him with some girl from the lower batch. And I didn’t know what to feel. I didn’t know what to think. I even blamed his religion as the reason why he did not pursue me.

Its been seven years and it’s still a mystery. I may not be able to figure out why I was 46122 to you. You may not forever remember me, but here is our story..

One Step Closer

To the man I will marry and love forever:

Wherever you are, you may be spending another valentine’s day alone or with some other girl who you think you love at the moment. You may be moping about how cruel the world is or how you think you’re the happiest man being with that girl. You may be sad that its just another day to survive or you may be too excited on how to make your girl happy.

You maybe tired and hopeless. Or probably clueless that I exists. For you. I am one step closer , love. I can’t wait to meet you. And spend the rest of my every day from the moment that I met you.

Patience, my darling. I’m on my way.

Sweet Serendipity

If only the world can magically turn your heartbreak into a beatiful story. In a snap you find yourself indulging on a sweet moment of serendipity. A flash of lovely butterflies that will make you crumble and wont tear your world apart. It will slowly build your senses into feeling again and make you realize that the world may not be a place of perfection but it is a mixture of your sadness and your hope to make living in it worth the while.

The A-Team

I kept thinking about one word- forever- and felt the burning ache just beneath my rib cage. It hurt like the worst ass-kicking I’d ever gotten.

(Adapted in An Abundance of Katherines, John Green)

We just got together. Again. We just talked again for the longest time. I was trying to keep a conversation as we go off to somewhere. I was at the passenger seat at first and suddenly transported to the back seat. He sat beside me trying to participate as much as he can with whatever I was saying, not looking at me. He was looking at the other side, I surrendered. I stopped talking thinking maybe he wasn’t interested about me and I’ve said a lot already. I turned to the opposite side. The awkwardness got inside my system, it was a long silence. I was, of course, restless not knowing where to turn or focus my attention, I slipped my hands beside my thighs to get a grip at the seat as I caught his. It felt familiar. Remembering the way he held/covered my hand in that long trip we once had as we went back home. I immediately placed my hands underneath my thighs instead.

I was suddenly silenced, even my brain and my emotions suddenly shut down. Moments after, he held up his right hand wide-open as he reached for my hands and held it. My hands were so tiny against his as I glanced at it with a bit of a smile on my face. I don’t wanna be too obvious. I was happy. He looked at me and I returned his gaze. That look that I missed- telling me everything he’s trying to hide that might scare me away. He smiled, that I-love-you-smile of his and pulled me closer. Resting my head on his shoulder, a feeling I remember so well, I smiled at myself. I was beyond happy. It was a long scene of just looking at our hands and trying to get comfortable while we closely sat beside each other in that moving vehicle. I don’t know where we are heading. I even asked him to change positions, I want my hands under his. I even uttered a prayer on that moment asking God to let me get through my own awkwardness and whatever’s happening, I hope it would be Him that would guide us and keep us, this time. I am letting him in now, in my life, finally.

He’s back. I want him back. I’ll try my best not to screw up this time. I want him now. I am amazed and grateful as well as how things work on the time you least expect it. It was April first. What a good way to start April. We got out and strolled. I never even had the slightest idea of where we are. I was too preoccupied on the thought of us walking hand in hand like we are together. We are together, not a word was said but we are together like it’s gonna be forever. We are here together. I am his and he is mine. Finally. As we approached the white vehicle, he kissed me on the cheek almost on the side if my lips and then my forehead. It as a sweet gesture. And then I woke up.

Remembering the feeling, the very feeling in my dream. Whatta repressed ideas I got there and screamed at the top of my lungs, in my head. And that was the weirdest dream I ever had that I actually remember even after I woke up and hours had pass. It felt real. I can still remember how real the emotions were in my dreams, like I was actually there. It felt real- the emotions and the sensations. I really thought it was real.

And that’s all I ever thought of today especially that I traveled alone. Looking back and trying to analyze the feelings I’ve had before is exactly the same as now. I still look for you in the crowd even though I am far away from home, I’d still turn around. *See You in a Crowd by Nine Days playing in the background* I wasn’t sure if I hate myself for still feeling the same way now, it didn’t even fade. I should be over you by now but here I am. Feeling exactly the same way. Thinking about escaping, my only way out. And I’m pretty sure I’m good at running away from people I love. But definitely not from you. *Can’t Get Away by Third Eye Blind invading the background music with I’m Not Over by Carolina Liar trying to overlap*

If only it was real. If only you were here. If only..