The A-Team

I kept thinking about one word- forever- and felt the burning ache just beneath my rib cage. It hurt like the worst ass-kicking I’d ever gotten.

(Adapted in An Abundance of Katherines, John Green)

We just got together. Again. We just talked again for the longest time. I was trying to keep a conversation as we go off to somewhere. I was at the passenger seat at first and suddenly transported to the back seat. He sat beside me trying to participate as much as he can with whatever I was saying, not looking at me. He was looking at the other side, I surrendered. I stopped talking thinking maybe he wasn’t interested about me and I’ve said a lot already. I turned to the opposite side. The awkwardness got inside my system, it was a long silence. I was, of course, restless not knowing where to turn or focus my attention, I slipped my hands beside my thighs to get a grip at the seat as I caught his. It felt familiar. Remembering the way he held/covered my hand in that long trip we once had as we went back home. I immediately placed my hands underneath my thighs instead.

I was suddenly silenced, even my brain and my emotions suddenly shut down. Moments after, he held up his right hand wide-open as he reached for my hands and held it. My hands were so tiny against his as I glanced at it with a bit of a smile on my face. I don’t wanna be too obvious. I was happy. He looked at me and I returned his gaze. That look that I missed- telling me everything he’s trying to hide that might scare me away. He smiled, that I-love-you-smile of his and pulled me closer. Resting my head on his shoulder, a feeling I remember so well, I smiled at myself. I was beyond happy. It was a long scene of just looking at our hands and trying to get comfortable while we closely sat beside each other in that moving vehicle. I don’t know where we are heading. I even asked him to change positions, I want my hands under his. I even uttered a prayer on that moment asking God to let me get through my own awkwardness and whatever’s happening, I hope it would be Him that would guide us and keep us, this time. I am letting him in now, in my life, finally.

He’s back. I want him back. I’ll try my best not to screw up this time. I want him now. I am amazed and grateful as well as how things work on the time you least expect it. It was April first. What a good way to start April. We got out and strolled. I never even had the slightest idea of where we are. I was too preoccupied on the thought of us walking hand in hand like we are together. We are together, not a word was said but we are together like it’s gonna be forever. We are here together. I am his and he is mine. Finally. As we approached the white vehicle, he kissed me on the cheek almost on the side if my lips and then my forehead. It as a sweet gesture. And then I woke up.

Remembering the feeling, the very feeling in my dream. Whatta repressed ideas I got there and screamed at the top of my lungs, in my head. And that was the weirdest dream I ever had that I actually remember even after I woke up and hours had pass. It felt real. I can still remember how real the emotions were in my dreams, like I was actually there. It felt real- the emotions and the sensations. I really thought it was real.

And that’s all I ever thought of today especially that I traveled alone. Looking back and trying to analyze the feelings I’ve had before is exactly the same as now. I still look for you in the crowd even though I am far away from home, I’d still turn around. *See You in a Crowd by Nine Days playing in the background* I wasn’t sure if I hate myself for still feeling the same way now, it didn’t even fade. I should be over you by now but here I am. Feeling exactly the same way. Thinking about escaping, my only way out. And I’m pretty sure I’m good at running away from people I love. But definitely not from you. *Can’t Get Away by Third Eye Blind invading the background music with I’m Not Over by Carolina Liar trying to overlap*

If only it was real. If only you were here. If only..


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