CROSSroads

Getting out of our comfort zone is hard. We have to decide which way you would want to go, people you wanted to keep, ties that you are going to break, lines that you are going to cross, things that you have to risk away from all the things that are familiar, people you believe will rescue you.

I am restless. I always want new things, knowledge, places, ideas. I know this past year I’ve been playing it safe. I found my comfort zone and decided to stay, not just for myself but for me to be with them, too, or so I thought. But realizing that even with your kindest intentions, you end up disappointing them, even weighing them down. Doing everything for the people you love for you to be stabbed in the back, get cold shoulders and hurtful words, being neglected and taken for granted. I don’t wanna just sit there and listen to their stories anymore and wait around for the time when they wanted to share a part of them to me. I don’t want to just have a drop of attention. I wanted to learn more. I wanted to have my own world, own stories, own history.

I’m gonna need the courage to walk away from my comfort zone. Trusting in You, Abba Father that as I do all these things you’d have my back is the only way I can do so. That as I do these things even without other people or their support, You’re going to pick me up as I stumble in that big world I’ve been dreading to set my foot onto.

You are the only one who understands my fears, my dreams, my intentions even without explaining myself to you. I’m tired of explaining. I’m tired of being misunderstood. I’m going to be selfish this time. I’m going to act what I believe You wanted me to do, the place where you wanted me to go. I’m gonna conquer my fears and jump to the unknown. I wanna experience the world and do what I love. I’d be better than I am yesterday. Through You.

****

I’ve been resting my heart for quite a long time now and it’s enjoying the peace that it gets as much as it can. ‘Cause I remember someone once taught me and told me that.. if something or someone is about to be gone in a short period of time, I’d live it up. I wouldn’t waste the opportunity by keeping my distance and acclimatizing myself early on to the absence. I’d get as much memories while I still can, there will be plenty of time to mope about it later. Even though I’m sure it didn’t went on smoothly, I still believe that I’m doing the right thing. It is scary and hard, yes but I can’t expect to have a different result by doing the same thing over and over again.

And also I still believe that There are times you have to let go of someone to show how much you care. And being apart does not mean the end of what you have now. (Arch. ADD, 2010)

46122

To the guy I will always remember during the 28th of February (it’s his birthday). The guy that I will always remember whenever I hear Muli. The first guy that ever made me feel special. To the first guy who made me cry myself to sleep. To the guy who had been my first *mock* boyfriend. I probably didn’t write about you or us before and I hope this would make me feel it happened.

****

It’s always been a mystery to me..

I can still remember that day. It was lunch break. I didn’t know his name. It was just his familiar face and friends that I know we belong to the same batch. I was just teasing him to do something for me and dare asked me that why would he do such I am not even his girlfriend. Playfully answering that I am his now just so he could that favor I was asking.

And we started to see each other over breaks and bond over music. Listening to my (then) new mp3 player, go somewhere to buy food and stroll around. At first I didn’t mind. I was too innocent to realize what was happening. And he was too torpe to formally ask now that I think of it. Everyone’s (well not really everyone but quite a few who has a crush on him) jealous of our time together. At the back of the room, along the hallways of Carpio Hall, the doorway where I love sitting and hanging out, listening to music in our own little world, playing around, teasing each other. I didn’t even know if we really talked, I can’t remember any thing. Exchanging a few messages that doesn’t seem to last that long because I was just laughing at the way he send text messages, him giving up on our conversation. Ha! Even then I was a jeje buster and a jeje nazi. But I like teasing him. Knowing I have an effect on him in some ways.

It went on for over a year. He would hide by the door in the hallway outside our room while I’m having my class, talking to me, making papansin and faces that would make me smile or annoy me. Sending me messages that it would be hard for me to concentrate on my lectures. He would drop by my seat even though we don’t belong to the same section, neither of the two academic years our story covers, and talked to me, snatched my food, pinching my nose, my cheek, my fats, played with my hair and whatever he feels like doing. He was a gentleman, even though many wouldn’t like the thought of us. He even worked on my project one time. I just asked him to type that things I will send and handed it to me the next day finished. I just need to submit it. He fed me french fries putting catsup in each fries carefully, not dipping it, because we were in the corridor and we didn’t have tissue. It was sweet. It melted me. At the time. He even served me food and water during our retreat because luckily we belong to the same team. He sat beside me every meal. Making every girl jealous. Haha! He was my first dance during our Senior prom.

And that was it. I started to see him with some girl from the lower batch. And I didn’t know what to feel. I didn’t know what to think. I even blamed his religion as the reason why he did not pursue me.

Its been seven years and it’s still a mystery. I may not be able to figure out why I was 46122 to you. You may not forever remember me, but here is our story..

My Valentine

Every Valentine’s day, I would always dream and hope that there’d be someone who’s going to surprise me no matter how much I hate being on the spotlight and confess their love for me with flowers on their hand and heart on their sleeve in fornt of everyone. Yea. Just wishful thinking.

One Step Closer

To the man I will marry and love forever:

Wherever you are, you may be spending another valentine’s day alone or with some other girl who you think you love at the moment. You may be moping about how cruel the world is or how you think you’re the happiest man being with that girl. You may be sad that its just another day to survive or you may be too excited on how to make your girl happy.

You maybe tired and hopeless. Or probably clueless that I exists. For you. I am one step closer , love. I can’t wait to meet you. And spend the rest of my every day from the moment that I met you.

Patience, my darling. I’m on my way.

Sweet Serendipity

If only the world can magically turn your heartbreak into a beatiful story. In a snap you find yourself indulging on a sweet moment of serendipity. A flash of lovely butterflies that will make you crumble and wont tear your world apart. It will slowly build your senses into feeling again and make you realize that the world may not be a place of perfection but it is a mixture of your sadness and your hope to make living in it worth the while.

Sunrise

I’ve always liked the idea of sunrise.

For the longest time, I believed that  If you love something, you can never let it go or it’ll be lost forever. (Ted, HIMYM S09E17) Like Ted’s red balloon and Victoria and Robin. I’ve been so scared it might slip that I didn’t notice that I’ve been holding on it too tightly it slipped. I have to let go. I need to let you go.

The sun’s going to rise again and I’m going to find that person who’s gonna wake me up and watch the lovely sunrise with me in his every waking day. It’s silly, but it’s like the first lottery ticket I ever bought was, kaboom, jackpot! And I’m pretty sure I’m not going to win again. Not like that anyway. (The Mother, HIMYM S09E16)

I’m fine. I’m not exactly happy but I’m fine. That’s good right? My heart’s not breaking, my world’s not falling apart. At least it’s neutral. We’ve had our second chance. We tried, at least. There’s a closure. We agreed on doing this. As much as I want it to be my first, my last and my only, it’s never going to be exactly how I hoped it would be. Unannounced changes in life’s itinerary are like dance lessons from God. (Lour De Veyra) And I’d like to think I’m doing just fine with the steps I’ve been taking.

And for the mean time just like old times, I know I can get by with a little help from my friends. ‘Cos Whatever you do in this life, it’s not legendary unless your friends are there to see it. (Barney Stinson, HIMYM s09E17)