When all are busy and no one wants to listen…

Pen and paper would be the answer.

I usually write every bit of inhibitions and bla-bla’s in my mind. Using a red pen, I write as I cry. Ugh.

I want to write, but not really a writer.

I almost forgot about that dream of mine. That dream of expressing about everything I’d love to tell the world.

Mass Communication was the course I really would love to take. But then, things and some series of events took me and I landed on the Architecture.

OK. Enough about that. I’m not having any regrets or the likes. I was just wondering what would I be like after graduating and trying to pursue a career on the field I barely can’t see myself being a successful one.

Nahhh. Sorry for this kind of shit, I reread my diary last year and I think I haven’t been writing some realizations that could help me out of different situations. The last entry was in the month of September.

What was I doing for almost a year? Too busy to write again and talk to myself? Too distracted with the way my life’s going?

(May 28, 2010)

An excerpt from the past…

So I was in my bed listening to mellow songs before I went in front of the computer.

I dunno why I felt suddenly sad, no, maybe just a little bit down. Nothing’s wrong, but then not everything is right.

I just thought of reading something else besides the text messages saved in my phone, so I reached for the drawer at the top of my bed and used my hands looking for my Paulo Coelho book, Like the Flowing River. Too lazy to stand up,eh?

I opened it and landed on the page 83. It was a story about the same feeling I’m having at the very moment.

Sometimes, we feel like nothing’s happening, nothing’s changing. We try to look for things to do, things that might make a difference, feeling guilty about being useless just because everyone else is moving while you’re doing nothing.

But, don’t you think there’s a reason behind it?

Then I remembered I had written something before in my diary. Again I looked for my Starbucks Planner that I used last year to write my realizations.

Here it goes:

Monday, June 8, 2009

Blank Spaces — Filling in that blank spaces. Nature has it’s dormancy period and so do we. This is the thing most people are scared of — staccato. The feeling of not progressing.

Now I know that it is what I feel during vacations and school breaks. A sudden pause that makes us feel useless. But don’t we think of it’s advanyages

We’re getting in touch with ourselves. A chance to feel and fill the “soul of the world”. Too Coelhic, am sorry….

That was just a part of it. I deleted some of the parts coz I thought it was kind of nonesense.

Hmm. Well. I never had a feeling like this for a long time now. Maybe because I was enjoying this vacation too much and haven’t had think too much for some time?

Yea. I’ve changed. I haven’t talked to myself for a while, try to analyze whatever’s happening.

And one thing more, I almost forgot about my passion.

WRITING.

(May 28, 2010)

This is a pain blog, err, plain blog.

Kahit kailan, hindi ko talaga dinidibdib yung problema sa pamilya. Lagi kong dinidistract ang sarili ko sa ibang bagay kapag may problema na ko sa pamilya. Tutal, wala yung ibang bagay na yon, *love* tagos ngayon yung sakit na nararamdaman ko.

***

Ang hirap mabuhay sa pamilyang nagkukunwaring buo pero kung titingnan mo, hindi naman. Ang sakit isipin. Di ko na maisip na maipagmalaki. Di lang namin siguro matanggap sa sarili namin na hindi kami isa. Nagkaka-isa. Laging labo-labo. Di marunong tumingin sa kung ano yung maganda para sa ibang tao. Puro pansariling kasiyahan. Alam mo yung selfless love? Wala nun samin e, sadly. 😦

Laging nakatuon sa kung ano ang hindi ginawa o maling ginawa. Appreciation? Wala kami nun e. Yung pagrerecognize na at least ginawa nya ‘to, ginawa nya para sa iyo, para sa inyo.Contentment? Bobo yata kami dyan e, pasensya. Gusto lagi ng kasunod. Ng…

Sorry. Patay na. Wala sa bokabularyo ng pamilya namin yan. Hindi namin kayang sabihin yan sa isa’t-isa. Lahat kasi magaling, hindi pwedeng natatalo. Pride. Pinapatay kami nyan unti-unti nang di namin nalalaman. Pinapatay yung pagmamahal at pakialam sa bawat isa. Respeto. Respeto para sa opinyon ng iba. Sa bagay na ginugusto ng iba.

At alam mo ba ang pinakanakakabagabag? I Love You.

I used to express those words as much as I can, though only through letters. I used to do that as much as possible. I used to. Pero nag bago na lahat. Dahil yun sa isang pangyayaring nagbaliktad ng mga kaganapan sa buhay ko. Pero sawa na kong isisi pa doon sa pangyayaring yon kung bakit ganito na ngayon.

Masaya na ko. Saka choice naman namin yun e. Saka sabi ko nga, hindi na maibabalik pa.

***

Ang drama no? Pasensya na. Ngayon lang ako naglabas ng sama ng loob ever. Napa-english pa.

Won’t somebody come try to find me.

(May 17, 2010)

A Noynoy’s victory will only prove one thing— you don’t need hardwork to get through this world.. A nice surname will do.

From my anonymous friend.

So, I never did post something about the election. Hindi pa kasi ako botante, pero OK lang. OK lang talaga.

Seriously, hindi ko talaga iboboto si Noynoy. Naisip ko lang kasi,

NOYNOY – TATAY – NANAY – KAPATID = ANO?

Yun lang. Opinyon ko lang naman ‘to. Wag nyo nang masamain. Salamat po.

I AM FOR NINOY, NOT FOR NOYNOY.

(May 10, 2010)

Araw.

Isang araw na di ko inaasahang magkakaroon ng saysay.

Minsan pala kailangan lang natin na sumunod sa agos at hayaan ang mga bagay na hindi inaasahan na sakupin tayo. Magpasakop.

Dahil ang mga yan ang magbibigay ng kakaibang karanasan sa buhay na to.

(April 19, 2010)

Alam mo ba yung feeling ng sobrang nagmamahal?

Inspired. May gana sa lahat ng ginagawa nya.

Hindi naman sa wala akong gana, pero di ko kasi sya nararamdaman ngayon e. Yung feeling na parang ang gaan-gaan sa pakiramdam. Dahil sa isang taong nagbibigay saya sayo. Binubuo lahat ng pagkukulang sa buhay mo.

Dahil totoo naman e. Kahit anong sabihin natin na marami namang nagmamahal sayo, kaibigan, pamilya, kakilala, kaklase. Iba yun e. Isang tao lang ang magpahalaga satin, lalo na kung ito yung tao na gusto mong pahalagahan ka din. Kumpleto na. Masaya ka na.

(April 21, 2010)