I wanted a peaceful minute with the world for once in this time of my life. It’s the only place I could think of that I could access and stay at with my bicycle within reach. Just the wind, the sound of the trees swaying and my mind all at the same time. The sound of thunder not from afar, the rain is about to pour. I chose not to be bothered. I am tired of trying to escape from everything..
My grandparents lying there beneath the world. What does it feel like growing up with your grandparents, I wonder. Someone who could have disciplined me: I was told that my Lolo was a strict one. Kuripot and wanted to teach his children to get what they want and what they need on their own. He was one hell of a good designer even without a formal background. We could have inherited his construction company only if we tried to save it, or my father or my uncles. Someone who could have spoiled me or defend me from my parents when I’m in big trouble. I grew up with my Lola losing her memory. I remember vividly back when I was in my early elementary days, she went to our house handing over old coins she had saved. It was old, phased out coins and she was clueless. It was touching and heartbreaking. I remember standing beside her every Sunday for the last Sacrament, I would read her God’s words on her deathbed. I am tired..
I was thinking the other week about my childhood bestfriend. He died when we were in Grade 2. I haven’t visited his grave for years. I searched for the tomb and unfortunately saw nothing. He’d been transferred? Why would they? Why wouldn’t I know? Where is he now? What happened to us?
I am on my last month of my teenage years. Everything is about to change. I want it to. I am tired of not trying..
What does it feel like to be that close to your parents, I wonder. Especially on this phase when I’m actually drained and I need a refill. I need loving. I need caring. I need understanding. I need You..
I am tired of feeling irrelevant. I am tired of feeling shitty about myself. I am tired of unintentionally offending people, frustrating them, disappointing them. I am tired of people giving up on me. I am tired of not being loved back. I am tired of not being able to love back. I am tired of caring when they can barely return the favor. I am tired of giving up on myself. I’m not lonely. I’m alone.
All these fears, loathing, cowardice, pride, guilt, laziness, frustrations, distractions are meant to be buried. Find me Lord. I am lost within myself. I know it’s not about me, I know it should be You. I am trapped in madness I am creating. It’s You that I should be seeking. I know, I am not proud, I’ve never been close to that person You intend me to be. I’ve been missing-in-action. I know but I am not in full capacity of doing any actions. What’s keeping me from trying to fix it?
Sooner or later. It will fall apart or break anytime soon even when it feels like it’s perfectly fine right now. Let’s get it over with, pretty please?
Breathe. You can do it, Kat. You can do all things through Christ that strengthens you..