Whenever I think, play scenes inside my head, those words I’ve been meaning to say but too afraid to utter, I pause. Rewind. Contemplate. Delete. And do it all over again.
You want to let it out for all the world to know. Hoping that somehow, someone would care. And maybe the hurts and the worries would soon fade away. These things happen all the time. It’s a cycle. And I feel like am not tired of it. I once wrote on my journal that it’s perfectly fine. I can let it be as long as no one’s hurt but me. I could use it to consume my thoughts, my energy, my time and attention. Call me masochist. But maybe I am. Fit for a narcissist.
Even when I ditch you whenever you try, it’s breaking my heart. Finding out just recently that you came to a point that you really decided to cut me off, it’s draining all the courage I’ve been trying to revive. It was my fault all along. As I look back, like all the time, remembering the things I’ve told you, I muster every ounce of guts I have. Then it’d come crashing next. Reminded that this is exactly what you need. And what you want. And you are happy. Contented.
Feel like I’m torn between what I want and what you need.. the rest. I wanna keep it hidden between those white sheets. But one things for sure, you should know that beyond all these words ad things I think of. All the negativity, all the blame, all these questions, all these excuses, all these fears that I have with me, only two things rise above it all: I miss you. And I love you.