What I can’t bring myself to say..

Whenever I think, play scenes inside my head, those words I’ve been meaning to say but too afraid to utter,  I pause. Rewind. Contemplate. Delete. And do it all over again.

You want to let it out for all the world to know. Hoping that somehow, someone would care. And maybe the hurts and the worries would soon fade away. These things happen all the time. It’s a cycle. And I feel like am not tired of it. I once wrote on my journal that it’s perfectly fine. I can let it be as long as no one’s hurt but me. I could use it to consume my thoughts, my energy, my time and attention. Call me masochist. But maybe I am. Fit for a narcissist.

****

Even when I ditch you whenever you try, it’s breaking my heart. Finding out just recently that you came to a point that you really decided to cut me off, it’s draining all the courage I’ve been trying to revive. It was my fault all along. As I look back, like all the time, remembering the things I’ve told you, I muster every ounce of guts I have. Then it’d come crashing next. Reminded that this is exactly what you need. And what you want. And you are happy. Contented.

Feel like I’m torn between what I want and what you need.. the rest. I wanna keep it hidden between those white sheets. But one things for sure, you should know that beyond all these words ad things I think of. All the negativity, all the blame, all these questions, all these excuses, all these fears that I have with me, only two things rise above it all: I miss you. And I love you.

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5 thoughts on “What I can’t bring myself to say..”

      1. hello 🙂 i genuinely cant find the exact words yet. but i guess i’m already in the process of realizing what sort of game i’m trapped in. hmm. thankyou ^^,

  1. It’s the worst feeling in the world to love and hate someone all at the same time. And it’s hard to watch things change when all you want is for them to stay the same. It’s funny but stupid how you want everything and nothing at the same time. It’s crazy when you want to let go, but you keep holding on. And when you want to move on, but you’re stuck right where you started. When feelings come and go and you can’t decide what you want. When you have so many things to say but you don’t know where to start. When you want them in your life so bad, but all you can do is push them farther and farther away. It’s so hard to think back to how things used to be and look at it now and realize that things are different and they may never be the same. You tell yourself it’s not worth it, but if it really didn’t matter, you wouldn’t spend so much time thinking about it.

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