We all crave to be appreciated but we never failed on feeling that we are unworthy. Yes, I am human and I know the feeling. Some would say that in order to be appreciated, you’ve got to believe in it anyway. In any kind of relationship or feeling, it has to be mutual to be legit, as for me I guess. Well, I couldn’t blame people for we all know that we are not perfect. It’s a fact. and there will always be someone that is better than us.
Yes, I felt so unworthy being a part of that team, that work, thinking that I would do no good and would not even impart a bit of help for them. And yes, am serious about laughing at my self esteem. I am insecure. Not the usual perception of people about being ‘insecure’. I am not secured. I swear I must confess. I feel so unguarded like I’m not stable, I can be everywhere, without any direction. Like I am up to no good. That there’s nothing in me that could define me. Like there’s nothing that I could firmly hold on to and believe in.
And maybe that is why most of the time, I’d rather let go than to keep things and relationships and people for myself . They deserve better. I don’t deserve them.
Deserve is a word that’s completely different in each one of us. We may have standards as per subject of judgement. And because we’re not capable of believing in ourselves, our verdict would be harsh. Our happiness suffers for feeling so unworthy. We box ourselves into some specifics, we limit ourselves. And am really just blabbering here. My train of thought’s a vacuum. It sucks. I just feel so unworthy. That’s all.
This feeling of being unworthy hinders us, especially me from doing something good or might save something and in my case save my relationships to people. It’s not pride, it’s cowardice. The feeling that you don’t know where you stand ‘cos you really don’t see yourself as something. Define something. I am unworthy.
But we have greater worth than what we think we do have. In His eyes and from His love, we deserve a lot. Not maybe a lot, but maybe enough. Even when we push ourselves down to the core, He would pull as up and save us from drowning ourselves. He believes in us more than all the people in the world combined.
He’s everything I have now. Even though I feel so useless, even though I feel all these dramas, all that’s in my head, all that’s happening he’s there. He never gave up on me. He is everything I have right now. He’s there all the way through.
I can’t brag about my love for God cause I fail Him daily. But I can brag about His love for me because it never fails.