Maybe I have to let these thoughts out so I could finally work on my reaction papers. I am devastated, no one knows. I have no family to turn to, really. Not my father, not my sister, not my brother, not even my mother. I am homeless right now. Home in the context of a family ties, or relationships.
Shitty me. I suck. Why couldn’t make myself clear to them? Why is it so hard for me to express myself? Am I really meant to be like this forever? Such a douche.
I was in the middle of a huge argument or sermon or whatever last night when I tried to call my bestfriend, she didn’t picked up, fortunately. Maybe she doesn’t really have to be a part of it, or maybe she doesn’t want to be a part of it, of all the dramas I had given her. She doesn’t have to hear me cry or rant. I don’t know. Maybe I’m taking it all on her. She’s the only person who knows it, or understands it, or understands me. I miss her. I don’t wanna be a burden. We don’t talk that much anymore, our schedules won’t allow, free times aren’t really free. Or there are other far more important people to deal with, not me. And I have to admit I’m jealous.
And I don’t have to bring that up. On how people could actually have her. I don’t wanna insist. If she actually wants to, she would. Or maybe she’s so good at making me feel good that’s why I kept on looking for her presence, just the presence. Was that too much? Yea. Ugh.
God, I don’t really wanna feel am abandoned. And I’m quite guilty about the fact that I’m trying to talk to you despite of all the things I’ve done. You know that I know what was right, yet I wasn’t doing anything about it. And I don’t feel like doing anything about it, too. God, am so sorry. I am so childish. That I wasn’t talking to you because I know I have sinned, and I am such cowardice to make it right. And I’ve been looking at the other material things or personas around me just to make me at least feel good.
All I wanna do is trade this life for something new..
I am all messed up, fucked up. And never in my life I considered death as a solution, but why is it all over my head right now. It’s like, if death was an answer, why not? Felt like I don’t wanna be ‘Katriz’ anymore. I wanna quit. Game over. Wasted. In a snap my existence and the other things that’s connected to me will all be gone. Problem’s gone. People will be free of me. It’s not just deactivating. It’s deleting my whole existence at the phase of the earth. Gone. Gon.. Go…