Discernment

4-walled room. I want to get out. I need to let this out.

I’ve been asking myself for quite sometime now with regards to what I say I believe in. Religion, that is. I am completely lost. Questions inside my head — what I heard, what I see, what I feel, were all over. I’ve got no doubts in terms of my faith, coz I believe in Him. I believe in God the Father Almighty.

And why do I believe in such? Maybe because I see or I believe there’s nothing wrong in believing in Him. (Ok, this is kind of gasgas na.) It’s like I’d rather live believing that there is God, then die finding out that there’s none, than to live believing that there’s none, then die just to find out there is. (Just to clear things out re: other people’s belief.) I have nothing against with what others believe in.

Gah. This is too broad. There are lot of things to write. I don’t even know where to start.

(Part of what I wrote.)

****

While I was on my way to attend the Christian Life Program by the CFC for the Singles yesterday, I was uncertain of whatever I’m doing. I was completely unsure of going there that very day. I’m in doubt about my sincerity of doing so. I stayed for a while outside the chapel, thinking if I should just go home or go on, I’m already there any way. Thanks to the Holy Spirit, it (He?) pushed mo to carry on, continue. (Ito dapat yung recent encounter sa Holy Spirit na dapat ikekwento ko e.)

All throughout the talks we had, my mind’s everywhere. My mind’s filled with notions regarding my beliefs.

I need something to believe in. I have to believe, or should I say I just wanna believe in some sort of a concrete creed. I have not define my faith. I need ways, I need Him.

I need someone so great, to guide me and teach me and make me believe in his/her religion. I know, He alone is God. He’s more than enough.

But I’m doomed at this. I just believe in His existence, His greatness, His power, I’ve got no clues of the ways, the will..

So I’ve decided to finish this SFC thing. I’ll try my best not to be skeptical, and not to be too harsh on the speakers. I was expecting a lot, too much. Line in my head: Kaya ko naman kasing intindihin yang mga sinasabi niyo e, self explanatory, baka nga mas maayos ko pang maeexplain yan sa inyo.

Oh how lame am I? Yea. If only I have the knowledge and wisdom. Sorry for those thoughts. I know I am learning, somehow, with whatever they’re saying. Making me realize and ponder.

Kaya ko to. Sana kaya ko. I have to save myself, help myself. I’m drowning, pull me up.

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